Hands up — how many of us mums have felt the familiar pang of ‘mum guilt’?
I remember going back to work after maternity leave and feeling a surge of complicated emotions whenever photos of my baby’s milestones were sent to me.
The emotion of guilt bubbled to the fore whenever I was invited to social events, which meant taking away more time from my son.
“Is it too much to want some ‘me time’ or enjoy myself while someone else is taking care of my child?” I’d think.
According to online sources, the feeling of ‘mum guilt’ is commonly experienced as the feeling of not doing enough and falling short of expectations — be it of society’s, those around us or our own.
The emotion is often manifested as shame, regret and self-reproach, reported Australian news network ABC on the topic.
But it also made me wonder about this idea of ‘dad guilt’. Do dads feel the equivalent emotion, and is it possible they feel it as intensely as their wives?
According to an article on Touch Community Services’ website in June this year, dad guilt is more common than people might think and can “significantly affect the emotional and mental well-being of fathers”.
This can feel like spending time with the kids is at the cost of being an effective financial provider, or not wanting to take time out for themselves, the article stated.
It added that dads can feel “an immense pressure to ‘compensate’ for their time away at work by dedicating every moment at home to family, viewing their personal time as a luxury they can’t afford”.
Yes, dads feel guilt too
A straw poll of some fathers around me revealed that for the most part, they do experience guilt, though whether it matches the intensity felt by their wives is to be debated.
In fact, men can experience emotions that are just as complex, which women might not be aware of. Sometimes, these emotions can manifest themselves even before the baby’s birth.
New parent Marc Teo was elated at welcoming his son — who was born on May 15 — to the world, but knowing that he was about to become a father and be responsible for another life triggered something unexpected in the 33-year-old business coach.
In a Facebook post published on May 19, he wrote that with impending fatherhood, he began “reflecting and setting goals” for himself, and that was when he started to feel some discomfort in his body.
“I started feeling tense: my chest felt tight, my breathing grew heavy, and [I] entered a deep state of sadness,” he stated.
Turning to AI for a “diagnosis”, Marc realised that he was “grieving”.
“It felt I was saying goodbye to an old version of myself,” he wrote, adding in a separate Instagram post that “it felt like I might lose the life I loved — five-figure months, travelling around the world, etc.”
Speaking to AsiaOne, Marc shared that he’d experienced ‘dad guilt’ even before his baby’s arrival, as he worried over whether he was doing enough for his pregnant wife and if he’d be able to provide financially for his family.
“A lot of internal pressure showed up,” he admitted.
“But through coaching and a lot of reflection, I started to realise — it’s not about having it all figured out. I might not be perfect, but I can keep showing up, keep improving and take it one step at a time,” said Marc, who shared that he constantly checks in with his wife on how he can make her life easier.
However, he reflected that guilt isn’t always a bad thing.
“It actually showed me that I care and is a signal that I want to be better and be present. So instead of running from the discomfort, I learned to sit with it,” said Marc, who also practised gratitude and a process of “reframing” his mindset to cope.
Now just over a month into becoming a new dad, he says he is slowly adjusting to his new schedule.
“At times I still feel like I’m not doing as much as I could, especially when I see what my wife is managing. But I try to view that thought as something to grow from, not beat myself up over,” he reflected.
“All that said, holding my kid gives me perspective and reminds me of what matters at the end of the day.”
‘Anticipatory grief’ and anxiety
Psychologist Gifford Chan shared with AsiaOne that many of Teo’s thoughts and feelings are “very valid” and that he could be experiencing a form of “anticipatory grief” at the possibility of losing his freedom and anxiety about the adjustment to being a father.
“Welcoming a baby into the family for the first time is a big life-changing experience. Many fathers struggle to accept and understand this change,” said Gifford, who owns his own private practice, Psychology Matters.
He suggested that men experiencing these emotions talk openly with their wives on her expectations and what they hope to do for the family.
“Reaching a common understanding on how they want to take care of the child, down to the nitty gritty of vaccines, breastfeeding or formula, financial priorities and input from parents and in-laws are also important,” Gifford stressed.
More essentially, couples should prioritise their marital relationship and take small pockets of time to continue building it, he added.
The approach mirrors what Teo practised to help him address the guilt he feels whenever he’s away from his family. One of them is setting expectations with his wife and grounding himself on principles they’d agreed upon as a couple.
“I know that when I’m not working, I’m fully there [with my family], and that helped me address the guilt over the past few months especially,” he told AsiaOne.
Shifting parental roles
Among the five dads AsiaOne spoke to, most of them acknowledge that evolving parental roles have made these emotions more salient, as the lines between “mum” and “dad” are no longer as defined as they once were.
“I suppose the main role of dads back then was to provide financially, maybe only stepping in for serious matters of discipline. But for the day-to-day, it was definitely mum,” said Marc.
Entrepreneur Dave (not his real name), whose daughter is nine, echoed this, sharing how he grew up in a traditional household with his dad as the financial provider and mum the primary caregiver — a clear division of roles that feels outdated in his own family.
“Personally, I’ve always disliked the notion of fixed roles as defined by society and lean much more heavily towards what I think will benefit our family,” he said.
Some fathers also shared with AsiaOne that most of the guilt they feel is over the lack of quality of time with their kids — a situation not unfamiliar with working mothers.
Dave, whose daughter is nine eight [C: she turns nine in Nov], knows this to be true — especially on days when he feels he hasn’t been present enough with his family.
The feeling also surfaces when he thinks he’s been too harsh on his daughter for misbehaving. He admitted to feeling particularly remorseful when he realises belatedly that “the severity was influenced more by my mood at the time instead of being proportionate to her perceived transgression”.
Gifford, who himself is a father of two kids below 12, revealed that he experiences similar emotions even as a mental health practitioner.
“Especially when in my line of work, the more I work, the more I can potentially earn,” he admitted.
“This directly clashes with my desire to spend time with my kids, whether through play or simply chatting.”
He admitted to feeling envious of his wife on occasion, as she works from home and gets to see the children more.
The concept of having ‘me time’ is also not exclusive to mums, and neither is the resulting guilt.
Said Gifford: “When I return from work, there’s also a [internal] struggle on whether I should spend the little time I have with the kids or to relax and wind down for the day.”
According to Joel Wong, assistant manager at Touch Counselling & Psychological Services, Touch Community Services, both dad guilt and mum guilt stem from the feeling that they’re not doing enough.
“As fathers carry out the role of being the family provider, they may frequently experience dad guilt, believing that they’re not doing enough to care for their family’s needs and spending quality time with them,” said Joel.
The increased advocacy for fathers to be involved at home as well as the evolving societal expectations of dads may contribute to the growing feelings of dad guilt.
Said Joel: “This can be a novel experience or struggle for many fathers to grapple with, prompting difficult questions such as, ‘will prioritising my family affect my career?’ or ‘if my career is affected as a result of being more present with my family, does it impact my ability to provide for them?'”
The idea that ‘dad guilt’ exists is shared by Swetha Vigraham, founder of Bricks & Blocks Coaching and host of the Everyday Parenting podcast.
In a written commentary on the topic, she added further insight that the way ‘dad guilt’ manifests can be slightly different in men than in women.
While mums tend to question if they’re doing enough for their children, fathers frequently turn to the more existential question of “What am I doing?” and how they can contribute.
Mums also often face the pressure of meeting pre-conceived notions in society of how mothers should be, whereas fathers may grapple with feeling inadequate in the parenting arena, said Swetha.
Joel told AsiaOne that today’s fathers are not just providers; their role now significantly includes supporting their children’s emotional, social and mental well-being. Juggling these multifaceted responsibilities can take a toll on their mental health.
“While mothers have long played the role of balancing work and home, it may seem fathers now have a lot of catching up to do,” he said.
To alleviate the mental stress and pressure of being a parent, Touch Counselling & Psychological Services encourages dads to share their struggles and concerns with their spouse and seek emotional support from loved ones to manage feelings of dad guilt.
However, if the emotions are overwhelming, making it difficult to cope, it is best to seek professional help, Joel said.
candicecai@asiaone.com
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